Læs dagbog

Dear God!

This is gonna be arkward, but I feel like writing; I need to say thanks, and to share my doubts with you this late evening; I'm in doubts, and I'm frghtened.

The sums of your lessons, my whol life, mounts up to so much, but, most of all, and this is the essense of my doubts this evening; humility.

Good God, humility.. I need it, because I know, that mankind are, still, nothing but animals; dangerous beings whom, without this, are Little nukes able to blow emotions and life to bits. - Without humility, there is no humanity. Without Christ, there is no humanity; If we do not have the perfekt, in relations to our own mistakes, how are we to judge right from wrong..? And how are anything, but Christ, perfect?

I linger here, not in my mind, and my Heart, but in the back of my skull, where evil rests..
'
The dark want's to hurt my friend, to harm, to see hate, where he is, Fader Jesus..

I make myself sad, for of all his grace, of all his love, so much in me, are.. envious of his purity; I.. wanted to be him, and yet, I am but a man and a sinner..

Humility...

And this my crisis, this night; I have been given back my life; 16 years in the reign of schizophrenia, in darkness, in hate.. murder.. deaths.. a 100.000 cries of those from hell, and I have been set free; given life, by Jesus himself, by Father God..

My darkness knows no shame, and it is more fear (and, as I approach, love) that makes me Humble; I don't want to hurt those who helped me, God and Jesus and all the wonderful people who fought their battles with me, but... inside, I am still so dark; so envious..

The answer should be as simple, as the fact that my prayers's been heard; "Mold me, Father God, I prayed; Mold me, make me into something, that can love you, whom you can love, and whom can love life!".

God, heard my prayers, he made me love, love life, and he tought me the error of my ways; I am, and should be, grateful.

But, tonight, dear Brothers and sisters of this forum, I need your advice, for I am in doubts:

God teaches, in all his love; humility, and love.

I have had, and have been given both, in so many forms, but; with it all, I have been given back life, and the options of grasping it, for, probably, the first time, in my entire existance.

In other Words; this is the last step, before leaving the valley in the shadow of death, and treading back into life; 16-20 years, under the yoke of Schizophrenia, and I am back.

And this is my crisis; I am, finally, really ready to start doing what I have been wanting, my Whole life; to be a writer, but, and this is where I am fearful; I am fearful that I might, and I can feel it, turn into a regular arrogant @rshehole, like so many out there are.

I don't wanna be that; becoming an arrogant idiot, treading on the weaker, is not part of the deal with God. The deal is; I learn, recieve, accept and REJOYCE in his gifts, but I must learn from their "Price"; Respect (and try to love) other people as you love yourself.

Turning into an @rshehole - one that takes too much pride in himself, and dodo's on weaker men, is not part of the design of Loving God, or his Gifts.

In this my crisis; I wan't to never forget my humility, but the man, growing inside of me, want's to be full of pride, and BE somebody!

And here it is; my choise; this evening, a man needed me, one I was only vaguely familiar with, and whom I, in truth, resent: I left the dialogue with him, based on MY need, to make a name for myself, writing. (I am working a book, of which I have rather high expectations), and it Struck me, leaving this man, for my own Projects, that I might.. God teaches love, compassion, sacrifice, respect, for all of mankind, because we are all of him, and, Thus, are equal; we MUST love our God, by loving the people around us, because loving people is HOW we show our love of God; if we don't respect the beggar on the street, when he, too, is a child of God, then how much love do we HAVE for God, at all..?

And this is my problem; I have been trying to save the World, my entire life, FROM love OF life, but I cannot; I cannot be something for both me, and be something for everyone else; I can sacrifice everything that I have, for the World, and stand empty handed, but I cannot truly have both.

I wan't to serve; I wan't to, on one hand, "be the child, that Jesus asks us to be", but, on the other hand, I wan't to grow to the Man, I CAN be, while, still, keeping grace..

I know what I must do; I must, now, 37 years into my life, this very hour (happy birthday me), try and build something for myself, and, always, be aware of the @rshehole inside of me, that want's to rise above other people; an, sadly for my @arshehole, impossible project: you can't serve God, and BE an @rhsehole (you can try, by the only thing being served in that regard, is your ungodly @arshe).

As such; I should remember humility, but still try Building for myself, but try to forgive, both myself, and ask for forgiveness when it happens, when I fail my Fellow men because I wan't to focus on, also, saving my self.

Thanks for reading.

Simon

PS. I apologize for bad English and wierd Capital letters, my tablet is old.