Læs dagbog

So there I was, at my usual hangout, Bar at the end of the internet. - I met at woman there, just signed off a minute ago, and.. I realized; I think I might be doomed. I think I might need help, but I fear, that even if I DO get help, the wounds are too deep; I can go as far as carried, but, once left by my rescuesquad, I'll collapse where they leave me. - I'm sitting here, alone, night after night, getting tired, getting older, losing the last bit of strength within me, and.. I think, in this fully aware moment, that everything might be over for me. My trailer, my home, is a dump, it is nothing but rot, garbage and dirt, and... and that's the thing, I don't think, I can change anymore.. 17 years, sitting in shit and destruction so bad, that even all the armies of the world couldn't help me, and now.. soon middle aged, I'm set in this.. void, and, now that I need, now that I NEED to get my bearings, to get a foothold, to start moving forwards, I'm too fucking fragile and weak to do so..

My house is a rotten slimeball, and I'm stuck in it's core, left, without the smallest glimpse of the strength, that defined my youth.. I don't hate my life, not yet, but I'm powerless at is seems to collapse around me..

The woman from the "bar", was a child of the 1980'es, sick,something mental, she was living with her "man", a guy who, it became evident within the first 3 sentences from her, was using her for sex and money; didn't give two shits about her. She was complaining, over her beer and drugs, that he'd spend the 400 from her savings, her last savings, on another "person" (I got the sence, that he was seeing another woman).......

This couple, this woman.. She lives the utmost utter horror; the definition of ROCK-BOTTOM, and, as she spoke, I realized.. This woman, and her "man", are way better off, than I am.. They are, even in my views, living the lowest, miserable, disgusting excuse for an adult life, and yet, compared to the 2 feet of Fucked in my Trailer, they're doing ok...

I can't accept that, I won't accept that. I REFUSE to let this SHIT disease PUSH me into such travesty!

IT. IS. NOT. FUCKING. FAIR!!!

And yet, once I try, for the 70'th time the last 9 days, once I TRY, to shut my fucking PC down, Turn my gaze from the eternal escape of the internet, it overwhelms me; the sheer, hard truth of weakness, all the remnants of this weakness, and the utter utter utter cold, of being so.. lost, that..

I'm a waste of space.. I contribute with absolutely nothing, and I CAN'T.. FUCKING. RISE. from this.

It is too fucking much.

Simon

UPDATE @ 7:06 AM.

"sometimes when things feels like they're falling appart, they are just falling into place".. nok de smukkeste ord jeg har hørt hele ugen.

Læste det lige inde på nettet, det var pæne ord, og giver ret meget mening.. måske er det det, vores psykiske sygdomme er? Noget, der er usundt i vores konstruktion, som ikke kan stå ved egen kraft.. psykosen er forsøget på at bryde det usunde ned, nogen gange helt ned, så man kan finde stumperne senere, og sætte sig selv rigtigt sammen.. Der skal hjælp til, selvfølgelig, og tid, og ro, men.. tror der kan være noget om det..

Jeg kan godt, og jeg er ikke længere skræmt ned i et hul.

I will earn this.